He's Just Not That Into You

Text Message sent midway through movie to Arianna, three seats down.

Leggings. No, wait. Pantsnesia. NO, WAIT, NAZIS. THESE ARE ALL WORDS THAT ENCAPSULATE MY RAGE AT THIS MOVIE.

Oh my dear lord, "He's Just Not That Into You" is. SO. BAD.

First of all, twenty minutes in I was like "oh, I want to kill some people." Excuse me, lets do our best to reduce every woman on the entire earth into four to five major stereotypes, because as we know, all women are nothing more than simpering, weak, delusional fools spending all of their time clamoring after "THE man" who is going to make her life full and complete. You think I'm kidding? I AM NOT KIDDING. They LITERALLY have a montage at the beginning of the movie that goes AROUND THE WORLD showing little snippets of conversation among women where one is sad and all her female friends are saying trite bullshit crap like "oh, you're too good for him," and "He's intimidated by your success."

Then I have to sit through TWO AND A HALF HOURS of this ridiculous shit, where the one wide-eyed scrubbed-face ingénue, played by Ginnifer Goodwin, so blinded by her desperation, humiliates herself over and over in an attempt to find "love," but not before being told over and over that any guy who acts like a womanizing asshole is not into you. Of COURSE, eventually she finds love, from the one dude who is a WOMANIZING ASSHOLE. I have never been so close to screaming in the middle of a movie.

THEN there's Jennifer Aniston, who has been with her boyfriend, Ben Affleck, for seven years, but he "doesn't believe in marriage." And he gives this ridiculous monologue about why, if the love is real, do you need a document to proclaim it? BECAUSE, BEN AFFLECK, BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU JUST FUCKING DO. MAN UP. Then, of course, Jen breaks up with him and spends the rest of the movie taking shots from all the married people about how she’s running out of time and "still single," only to discover that in a time of crisis, all her sisters husbands are assholes, and Ben Affleck is awesome. So she decides she doesn't need a ring, and then BAM! He proposes.

AND THEN THERES SCARLETT JOHANNSEN.

Do I really even have to go into the Scar Jo portion of the film? Because it’s actually mentally exhausting. I can feel my blood pressure rising as I think about how insanely horrible her character is. So I'll sum up... Let's see.... Oh, got it: Home wrecking whore/yoga instructor who goes after the married dude, and then GETS PISSED OFF WHEN HE HAS SEX WITH HIS WIFE.

There. Phew. I survived thinking about that. To say that I can't stand Scar Jo is an understatement.

This movie has no redeeming qualities. None. None percent redemption. I don't think I have ever in my life been so infuriated by a film.

URBGFVUVGRFNV'EOPDFAMCONERILABRFUAO'RD!!!

There, I feel better.