He's Just Not That Into You

Text Message sent midway through movie to Arianna, three seats down.

Leggings. No, wait. Pantsnesia. NO, WAIT, NAZIS. THESE ARE ALL WORDS THAT ENCAPSULATE MY RAGE AT THIS MOVIE.

Oh my dear lord, "He's Just Not That Into You" is. SO. BAD.

First of all, twenty minutes in I was like "oh, I want to kill some people." Excuse me, lets do our best to reduce every woman on the entire earth into four to five major stereotypes, because as we know, all women are nothing more than simpering, weak, delusional fools spending all of their time clamoring after "THE man" who is going to make her life full and complete. You think I'm kidding? I AM NOT KIDDING. They LITERALLY have a montage at the beginning of the movie that goes AROUND THE WORLD showing little snippets of conversation among women where one is sad and all her female friends are saying trite bullshit crap like "oh, you're too good for him," and "He's intimidated by your success."

Then I have to sit through TWO AND A HALF HOURS of this ridiculous shit, where the one wide-eyed scrubbed-face ingénue, played by Ginnifer Goodwin, so blinded by her desperation, humiliates herself over and over in an attempt to find "love," but not before being told over and over that any guy who acts like a womanizing asshole is not into you. Of COURSE, eventually she finds love, from the one dude who is a WOMANIZING ASSHOLE. I have never been so close to screaming in the middle of a movie.

THEN there's Jennifer Aniston, who has been with her boyfriend, Ben Affleck, for seven years, but he "doesn't believe in marriage." And he gives this ridiculous monologue about why, if the love is real, do you need a document to proclaim it? BECAUSE, BEN AFFLECK, BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU JUST FUCKING DO. MAN UP. Then, of course, Jen breaks up with him and spends the rest of the movie taking shots from all the married people about how she’s running out of time and "still single," only to discover that in a time of crisis, all her sisters husbands are assholes, and Ben Affleck is awesome. So she decides she doesn't need a ring, and then BAM! He proposes.

AND THEN THERES SCARLETT JOHANNSEN.

Do I really even have to go into the Scar Jo portion of the film? Because it’s actually mentally exhausting. I can feel my blood pressure rising as I think about how insanely horrible her character is. So I'll sum up... Let's see.... Oh, got it: Home wrecking whore/yoga instructor who goes after the married dude, and then GETS PISSED OFF WHEN HE HAS SEX WITH HIS WIFE.

There. Phew. I survived thinking about that. To say that I can't stand Scar Jo is an understatement.

This movie has no redeeming qualities. None. None percent redemption. I don't think I have ever in my life been so infuriated by a film.

URBGFVUVGRFNV'EOPDFAMCONERILABRFUAO'RD!!!

There, I feel better.

Emile Hirsch

I'm going to go on record right now to say that I did, in fact, really like "The Girl Next Door." Elisha Cuthbert is hot. I have a girl crush on her. And Hirschy had that whole "young boy ingenue" look going for him that was endearing because the movie was about the "unpopular average kid" who falls for the hot girl. True to teen movie form, even though he's not one of the jocks, the hot girl falls for him too.

But really, if Emile Hirsch keeps making that surprised face in every role he plays, he's going to get what every actor dreads most of all, TYPE CAST.

Honestly, there are a lot of things on this earth that surprise and confuse the shit out of me, and yet I don't constantly walk around with my hands in my pockets, chewing on my lip as though I'm perpetually uncomfortable. This, coupled with the fact that hes pocket sized, does not bode well for him.

Even in Alpha Dog, where he was supposedly a badass, he walks through that entire movie looking like someone just kicked his puppy. THAT WAS ANTON YELCHINS JOB. HE WAS THE KID THAT WAS ALL INNOCENT. STOP IT, HIRSCHY. STOP.

Of course, there are many actors that are thoroughly successful getting typecast (cough... tom hanks... cough). All I'm saying is I wish he would stop scratching the back of his head looking befuddled as though hes trying to figure out advanced calculous.

Because crappy movies follow me!

Welcome to the launch of the second (nay, THIRD) BLOG! For those who know me at my OTHER blog: sarandpty.blogspot.com, I decided to start this one because I've been watching a lot of movies lately, and I think I need a forum dedicated solely to the totally crappy movies I watch. Plus, I need something to entertain me when I get bored.

So here we are, welcome to Miss Movie Girl!

For those who don't know me, here are some things you should expect from my blog:

- Hilarity. Lets be honest.

- Speaking of... Honesty. I rarely pull any punches.

- A lot of yelling via ALL CAPS.

- Unrepressed enthusiasm for films involving A LOT OF TEENAGE ANGST.

- Dance montage obsession.

- A deep appreciation for films involving: witty dialogue, explosions, hot movie sex, beautiful people, intensity, period costumes, fast cars, metaphors, great cinematography, CGI, fluctuating accents, singing, dancing, old school horror, costume design, fairy tales, awesome soundtracks, nudity, and rampant drug use.

YAY!